Good morning world… you may not have seen much of me lately. I have agonized over how to tell you why – don’t want to let you down. I don’t want you to see the deepest parts of me quite yet. Furthermore, I believe this is a season of going even deeper.
God has called us to so much, but the way up in His kingdom is actually down… The upside-down kingdom some call it. A Kingdom where the last shall be first, the lost are found, the blind will see, and slaves are set free.
I once wrote on here about a Breaking Season… what I didn’t realize then was that my breaking has been going on for many more years than just 2016. And some days I just plain don’t want to get out of bed and keep on breaking.
It’s a new day though, as I realized last week that my breaking now is breaking open old wounds that did not heal properly – much like when a broken leg is not set straight and after years of limping on old wounds, Jesus – Master Healer – has decided to break open the old and set things straight so I can heal properly and walk again.
It’s a new season of breaking open and healing and holding open hands up to the heavens and out to you, dear world. I don’t know what all will come of this yet, but even in all the hardest moments I know it will be so so good even in all this deep soul pain.
That’s it. That is what I’ve been trying to tell you. My soul is broken. The soul is made up of your Mind, will, and emotions. From what I can tell so far, when you experience great trauma or great grief and it is too much for your body to handle, your soul breaks and your mind goes into a survival mode of sorts. God made our minds to only handle a little at a time while he sifts through to heal it. And with all the trauma in the world that anyone can experience at any given moment, its no wonder sometimes it takes a long time to sift and set back in place and heal what has been broken for years – even decades.
We all have soul pain to some degree. Maybe some of us don’t realize it. I didn’t for about 13 years until my heart broke all over again last winter. Now my mind is in, what I call, aftermath mode. A space where some days are good and things feel almost normal, but others you just simply can’t bring yourself to face the world. The mind goes into protective mode and suppresses memory (a lot of mine is short term – so if I forget to show up on time to something or cancel last minute I am SO so sorry.) and sometimes it takes a while to get that back. There are things from 2016 I don’t want to remember (but may have to at some point in order to heal properly) and there are things I may want to remember, but simply can’t (like someone’s birthday or a fun day we had). It goes back further than that of course, but bear with me as I can’t dig that deep today for you.
BUT this is not the end. Nor is it the final word. I’m on a journey of healing this time. I won’t let my heart be overwhelmed because I serve a God who overcomes. I won’t shut my heart and mind down to pain anymore because I know a healer who brings peace in the pain. I won’t run from this process of sifting the past because I have a Heavenly Papa who brings beauty from ashes.
And even though today I’m still in bed at 10:30 a.m. and don’t feel like moving, I know He has not given up on me. And if you’re on a mental health heart journey as well, know that he hasn’t given up on you either.
Until next time, dear friends. Keep on.
Exodus 14:14 (NLT) “The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.”