If you’ve read my heart journey here and here, then you’re probably wondering what’s next? Truth is I don`t know how to walk this out. Some days are less foggy than others… side note: Did you know Omega 3 oils are actually really good for your brain? I find my days less foggy when I’m eating healthy and taking vitamins and supplements like Vitamin D (since my Canadian town doesn’t get much sun these days… and I used to joke about this, but it really DOES work!!) and Omega3 oils and such.
So what happens on days when I feel like I’m not winning at this battle? And it is a battle. The enemy of our souls is trying desperately to keep us broken.
Disclaimer: Again, I want to reiterate. I am not a mental health expert. I can only write from my own personal experiences. The following may not work for everyone.
The only way I know how to move forward right now is ONE STEP AT A TIME.
Step one… I realized I needed help to walk this out. I rallied my people around me to pray (parents, close circle friends, pastors.)
Step two… I called a Christian counselling ministry and they set me up with a wonderful woman of God who is filled with Holy Spirit AND she’s a registered counselor and music therapist (yup. she’s beyond amazing.) who I meet with every other week.
Step three… pray, fast media (can’t afford any distractions these days), eat healthy things – I can’t believe how much processed foods and sugars ACTUALLY affect my brain! (it’s not fair really… but I’ll do anything to get out of this fog.)
Oh and all this is just scratching the surface. Right when I feel that I’m making some progress and starting to feel “normal” (whatever that is) I have a day full of anxiety and panic attacks that, more often than not, leave me sitting on my couch feeling like my chest is about to explode and reminding myself how to breathe deeply.
Exhaustion… pure exhaustion. And yet I still don’t sleep well.
I’m still learning to know my limits right now. It’s not like when someone has a broken leg or is recovering from surgery – you can’t visibly see my wounds. And to be honest most days I don’t feel like talking about it. My soul is broken. So all I can really do is walk this out one step at a time and bring it all to the great healer… the one who was broken so I could be made whole… Jesus.
You know the movie, “What about Bob?” starring Bill Murray and Richard Dreyfuss?
Some days I feel like that. (If you’ve never seen this movie, I’m sorry but you won’t be able to understand this next part)
I’M BABY STEPPING! I’M BABY STEPPING! I`M DOING THE BEST I CAN! I’M NOT A SLACKER!
And still I end up at the end of the day wishing I could have someone on call for me 24-7 regardless of vacations in Lake Winnipesaukee.
Here`s the BEST truth though! I do have someone I can talk to who is never on vacation and always responds… Jesus.
Here… let me give you an example of what this looks like.
So here I am baby stepping… doing the best I can… And one day I had a little breakthrough. My counselor led me through a “heart sync therapy”. We asked Holy Spirit to show me what my heart looks like in 3 different parts – the Emotional heart, Guardian heart, and Functional heart. I saw them. My beautiful heart open wide so I could see what was going on in there – was a very “Inside Out” (disney reference) moment.
Emotional heart was wounded and bleeding – the aftermath of all I’ve been through the past while. Functional and Guardian were side by side in a defense position trying to protect Emotional. It was really beautiful… but sad. I decided to open up my heart and let Jesus in so he could start healing Emotional. This was a good moment in counselling… and I cried SO hard! It was so healing. And so good.
Baby steps forward.
Then as I was driving home (expecting to be out for the evening) I got the BIGGEST nosebleed of life!! Like literally a blood bath. I had cried so hard it made my nose dry, which resulted in the nosebleed, which made me tilt my head back while driving, which caused dizziness and nausea… etc. etc. etc… And there I was on the couch again. A heap of nausea and panic attacks.
Baby steps backwards.
You see here’s the thing. Life is hard. Walking through this sucks. It hurts like hell. But Jesus has never given up on me. I know this even more because the very next day I was in worship at a church prayer meeting and I heard His soft voice… he showed me my heart again. Emotional is still working on healing, but something was different. I saw that Functional and Guardian were on either side of Emotional – no longer defending but instead they were helping her and holding her up! And Jesus was behind them supporting all three parts of my little wounded, bleeding, beautiful heart.
So here I am taking one baby step at a time… Sometimes we need a “Dr. Marvin” therapist or counselor or doctor to help us out – it is healthy to reach out to others. (we have these professionals for this very reason).
BUT always ALWAYS keeping in mind that you have 24-7 instant access to someone who knows your heart better than any other. He made your heart and mind. Designed them perfectly. He knows how to get you through this.
One. Baby. Step. At. A. Time.